Skulduggerific!
by A Girl Named K
Summary: Random drabbles of Skulduggery, his friends and enemies. Incorporating special occasions, events, and current affairs...and sex jokes. Enjoy!
1. Bloomsday

**Bloomsday**

"So what are we going to do tomorrow for Bloomsday?" Ghastly asked as they sat by a table in China's library.

"What's Bloomsday?" Fletcher asked, puzzled, scratching his messy blonde head.

"June the 16th is the day that Leopold Bloom in 'Ulysses' took his epic stroll around Dublin," Skulduggery explained, leaning back in his chair. "It's one of the most reverred days in the world of literature."

"Oh I've heard of it, actually," Valkyrie piped up. " Gordon mentioned it once. He said that it's a day for literary toffs."

There was silence from Fletcher and the three adults.

"It is NOT a day for toffs, Val, Tanith told her sternly, getting up to sit on the arm of a chair that just happened to be Ghastly's. "Bloomsday celebrates real Dublin life in the early 20th century, and real Dublin people. I think we should honour it."

_I love this woman, _Ghastly thought to himself as he smiled up at Tanith.

"We should all dress up as whores!" Tanith said enthusiastically. The smile on Ghastly's face dropped.

"Um, Tanith, does that really capture the spirit of Bloomsday?"he asked warily. Tanith looked at him.

"Oh course it does! The book is about nothing BUT prostitution." She smiled playfully and winked at him. "You can call me Molly if you like."

As Ghastly turned pink Fletcher asked, still confused. "Wait, who's Molly?

"Molly Bloom," Skulduggery answered, "Angelina Ball played her in the movie." He looked at Tanith. "You actually look a bit like Angelina, Tanith."

"Who's Angeline Ball?" Fletcher asked.

"She played the tarty one in 'the Commitments'."

"Which one?"

"The blonde one."

"Ah."

"ANYWAY," Tanith continued, grabbing some attention back. "I think we should dress up as tramps."

"Well...okay Tanith," Ghastly agreed slowly, "But if you and Valkyrie dress up as tarts what do we dress up as?"

"Oh no, you guys would be whores too."

Silence.

"Oh come one," Tanith said with a grin, "It'd be like in Michael Collins."

"Except we'll do you guys up even better than De Valera.," Valkyrie added, warming to the idea.

"I don't feel like dressing up as a hooker," Skulduggery said quietly.

"Oh, what a shame," China said, suddenly coming out from behind a shelf with a bundle of books. "I've always wanted to see you in drag, Skulduggery, darling." She smiled at him and then began stacking. There was a pause and Skulduggery cleared his throat.

"Alright, China's random comments aside, we are not dressing up as tramps, Tanith."

"Well, I am," Flether said, grinning, "Count me in!"

"Fletcher, you just want to get your hands on some women's underwear," Valkyrie accused, folding her arms.

"The same thing was said about me when I was a boy," a voice said behind the shelves, and a moment later Solomon Wreath stepped out, cain in hand. He smiled and put his other hand on Fletcher's shoulder. " Don't worry, my boy, there's nothing wrong with experimenting with your sexuality." Fletcher blushed.

"I did when I was young," Solomon continued creepily. "But now I know for sure that I prefer women." He looked at China and smiled. "Good afternoon China."

"Bite me," she replied without looking at him.

"So, Bloomsday," Ghastly hastily continued. "Besides dressing up as prostitutes, what else can we do?"

"We can do a walking tour of the city," Skulduggery suggested. "And read passages from Ulysses as we stop at the different landmarks."

"Oh my God!" Valkyrie cried, jumping to her feet in horror and pointed at him. "YOU COPIED THAT FROM 'FAIR CITY'! YOU GEEK! YOU GEEEEK!"

"Actually, I was thinking along those lines too, Val," Tanith said, raising an eyebrow. Valkyrie's finger dropped.

"Oh."

"Ah, 'Ulysses'," Solomon mused, and leaned toward China as he began to quote- " 'Perfumes of embraces all him assailed. With hungered flesh obscured he mutely craved to adore.'"

"Get away from me, you pervert," China muttered, still stacking. Soloman frowned.

" 'History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake'," Skulduggery also quoted, scratching his jaw.

Ghastly decided to throw in his own. He touched Tanith's hand and she looked at him as he quoted.

" 'Force, hatred, history, all that. That's not life for men and women, insult and hatred. And everybody knows that it's the very opposite of that that is really life.'"

Tanith sussed out the quote and played along. " 'What?'" she quoted, smiling.

" 'Love'", Ghastly continued with a soft smile. " 'I mean the opposite of hatred' ".

Fletcher and Valkyrie watched the adults, then looked at each other. Fletcher smiled and squeezed her hand.

"So are you going to dress up as my Molly Bloom?" he asked. Valkyrie looked at him, then slapped his arm. He cried out in pain but then she grinned and linked it. She looked at him.

" ' yes I said yes I will yes' ," she said, smiling.


	2. Undies?

**Undies?**

Tanith and Valkyrie browsed through the '4 for 20 euro' section of Xtravision enthusiastically, picking up DVDs sometimes just to laugh at them.

"' Kill Bill' ?" Tanith suggested, holding it up. Valkyrie shrugged.

"Meh. Too much limb chopping."

"Uh, hello, what would you expect from Quentin?"

"Well, okay, but how about 'Inglourious Bastards' instead?"

"Valkyrie!"

"What?"

Tanith made a shocked face and proceeded to do her best impression of Mr Garrison from South Park. "Did you just say the B word?"

Valkyrie laughed. "Okay Tanith, that is so wrong. You just sounded like Billy-Ray Sanguine on speed."

Tanith pouted and shrugged, looking back at the shelves. Then she made a yelp of glee.

"Oh my Gosh, 'Glee', Season One!" she squealed, picking up the DVD and thrusting it in Valkyrie's face.

Valkyrie's mouth made an 'o'. "Oh my Gosh!"

"Oh my Gosh!"

"Let's get it!"

"Totally!" Tanith and Valkyrie beamed at each other like maniacs for a minute, then broke down laughing and chucked the DVD back on the shelf.

Tanith suddenly glided to the Playboy and fitness regime section as if in a trance.

"Tanith! Why the hell are you heading over there?"

Tanith was staring at particular DVD. Valkyrie wouldn't dare go over to the section, so Tanith held it up for her to see. Valkyrie's eyes widened in horror and she put two hands cupped over her mouth.

"Oh, my, GOD..."

Tanith slotted the DVD into her DVD player and both her and Valkyire curled up on the couch, hugging pillows.

"Tanith why did you have to buy it?" Valkyrie groaned.

"Oh come on, you HAD to be curious too," Tanith said.

"Yeah, maybe a little, but..."

"He made a DVD, Valkyrie..."

"Yeah, about stripping for your girlfriend!"

"Yeah, but it's HIM."

"But Tanith," Valkyrie whimpered. "We have to meet him again. THAT'S my problem. I won't ever be able to fight him again knowing that I saw his..."

"Oh God Val, let's just do it." Tanith played the DVD. There were no ads, a menu came up which Tanith promptly skipped through and then it played.

"Oh God..."

"Howdee everybody!" A close up of Billy-Ray Sanguine came on screen, grinning like the lunatic that he was.

"I'm Billy -Ray Sanguine, and I'm in my undies!"

Wide shot to Billy-Ray, in a living room, in some horseshoe speckled underpants, looking surprizingly nice.

"Oh, FUCK, no!" Val whimpered.

Billy-Ray put his hand on the elastic of his underwear.

"Now you get your right hand, then ya get your left hand, and then you pull!-"

Tanith paused it.

"TANITH!"

"Very nice."

**A/N: Better yet, HE'S GOT A SERIES OF THEM! Sure he's got to do SOMETHING when he's not killing people...**


	3. The Talk

**The Talk**

Fletcher teleported into Skulduggery's main living room in Cemetry Road, where Valkyrie told him to meet her. Skulduggery was the only one there, reading some biography.

"Hey Skul!" Fletcher greeted cheerfully, "I Val around?"

"She's powdering her nose, I believe," Skulduggery replied, shutting the book and crossing his legs. "Take a seat, Fletcher."

Fletcher's smile dropped but he took an armchair opposite the skeleton obediently.

Skulduggery flicked his wrist and the armchair shot forward, until there were only a few inchs between himself and Fletcher, who gulped.

"Did I...do something?" Fletcher asked slowly.

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Do something."

"Like what?"

"That's what I'm asking/"

"What?"

"Precisely my sentiments."

Fletcher stared blankly.

"Fletcher, have you done or do you plan to do anything...slightly obsene, either recently or in the near future?"

"..."

"With Valkyrie."

Fletcher's face turned scarlett. "Oh."

"Now it dosn't matter if you did or not," Skulduggery concluded, sinking back into his seat. "Oh no, my boy. I'm not a prud. What you two do with yourselves is entirely that. Up to yourselves."

"Right...well, okay thanks."

"But have you?"

"Have I what?"

"Done anything with Valkyrie?"

"Oh no! No-"

"Are you sure? You denied that very quickly."

"No! No, we...we haven't. I haven't."

"Because...as her partner and mentor, you understand that I'm rather protective of Valkyrie..."

"Yeah, sure!"

"And that I'd want to know that she's looked after by any boy who goes by the title of, 'her boyfriend'."

"Yeah, I...I look after her!"

"Right...so you two haven't done anything yet?"

"No!"

Skulduggery looked at him for a long moment. "My God, Fletcher. What's wrong with you?"

Fletcher gave Skulduggery a puzzled, tortured look. Then Valkyrie bounded down the stairs.

"Okay! I'm ready, lets-" Valkyrie looked at the two of them Skulduggery looked completely relaxed in his favourite squashy armchair, but Fletcher was curled up with his own legs crossed in an armchair facing him, looking terrified. Valkyrie's eyes narrowed.

"What were you guys talking about?..."


	4. Three Minutes in the Midnight

**A/N: Based a little on something my friends and I made up about some male teachers in my school...anyway...**

**Three Minutes in the Midnight**

Tanith dragged Ghastly by his tie through the front door of the Midnight hotel and pulled him to her to once again devour his lips with her own.

"Tanith," he said breathlessly, puting his hand around hers to stop her. "Are you sure about this?"

Tanith grinned. "Absolutely!"

"But do you think Anton will be okay with this?"

"Gaz, he has a VAMPIRE living here. He might be Skulduggery's friend and all, but I don't think he will have too much of a problem with US staying the night. Now come on, gimme a kiss."

Tanith pushed Ghastly into the reception desk and clamped her mouth around his. Ghastly gave in and put his arms around her.

Anton came out to reception from the back room to find Tanith Low and Ghastly Bespoke kissing feverishly against his desk. They seemed too busy to notice him, so he cleared his throat.

They broke away and looked at him.

"Oh hey, Anton," Tanith said with a grin, licking her lips. She looked up at Ghastly cheekily. "We'd, um, like a double room, please."

"I'm sorry, Miss Low," Anton said slowly, walking over to his ledger of bookings. "But all of our double rooms are booked."

"What?" she exclaimed, outraged, letting go of Ghastly.

"Well, Finbar Wrong and his wife have a room booked for a few days, and China Sorrows has booked one for herself and a...client." He looked down at his book. "Although, you may be in luck. I think one of the rooms is being vacated shortly."

Right on cue, Solomon Wreath stumbled down the stairs. He caught sight of the three of them and adjusted his suit jacket, smoothing a hand though his hair.

"Thanks for the room, Anton," he said, trying to stay calm and tossing the keys to Anton. "We made good use of it."

He nodded his farewell and turned to leave, Billy-Ray Sanguine coming down behind him, wiping his mouth.


	5. Best Friends

**Best Friends**

Vaurian Scapegrace and his fateful compainion Thrasher sat alone together in the woods that night, around a fire they constructed purely for effect seeing as how they didn't feel cold. Little flickers of ember flew up from the fire, and the two zombies simply sat watching the flames for an hour or so, not speaking...though not really thinking either. An owl hooted somewhere. Some leaves rustled in the breeze.

Eventually, Thrasher turned to Scapegrace, shyly.

"I really like spending time with you, Vaurian," he said meaningfully.

"Shut up, Thrasher.

"Yes, Master."

**A/N: Short and sweet. Was it sweet? I don't know...**


	6. Violated

**A/N: This is one of my 'What If...' chapters. Like, what if this happened in the books. In this case, what is THIS happened in Serpine's Dungeon in the fourth book.**

**Violated**

"Skulduggery, I am still Prime Detective of the Sanctuary, and as such I am taking charge of this Desolation Engine" Davina Marr said with a defiant expression on her face, Pennant by her side.

Skulduggery let out a sigh. "Davina, you know I should take that Engine off your hands."

Marr stepped toward him. "Actually, Skulduggery, I don't know if you should."

Skulduggery stepped toward her. "Well, Davina, I AM the more qualified detective. I have WORKED for the Sanctuary much longer than you have. I have more experience in the lines of weapons of mass destruction..."

"Oh don't I know it," Marr said with her eyes narrowed.

"I am the oldest. You also know that. I was trusted by Meritorious, Guild KNOWS that I am trust- worthy, and also, Davina, I am the better detective and you know it. So give me that Desolation Engine or I'm going to have to take it off you by force."

"Oh, would you now?"

"You know I would."

"Do I?"

"You do."

"I love you."

"What?"

And then Marr suddenly jumped on Skulduggery and pressed her lips to his teeth. The attack was so sudden that Skulduggery toppled to the floor, Marr falling on top of him and dropping the Desolation Engine.

"Woah!" Valkyrie practically screeched. "Woah, what the FUCK is going on?"

"I don't know!" Skulduggery screamed as he flailed from under Marr, who was tugging at various items of clothing.

"Davina!" Pennant called as he picked up the Desolation Engine and ran to the exit. "I've got it!"

"Good!" Marr called, kneeling on Skulduggery and fixing herself up a little. "Nice working with you Skulduggery. I guess I'll take this too."

With that, she whipped off his hat and ran from the room

The others stood staring at Skulduggery.

"Oh my God," Fletcher finally said, slowly. "Skulduggery got raped by Davina Marr!"

Skulduggery let out a sob. "I feel so violated."

**A/N: For the record, in my mind Marr genuinely DID have a thing for Skul, disguising it as pure hate. He probably rejected her once. It explains why she really hates Valkyrie and China, anyway...**


	7. Glastonbury

**Glastonbury**

Ghastly and Skulduggery stepped into Ghastly's living room to find Fletcher and Valkyrie sitting on the couch, watching Ghastly's TV. Tanith had gone back to England the day before on business, and as always, Ghastly was a tiny bit depressed about it.

Even so, he was the first to speak to the young people lying on his couch.

"Hey, you two," Ghastly greeted, approaching the teenagers, "Anything good on?"

"Ah, just highlights of Glastonbury," Fletcher answered with a shrug. Valkyrie, who had been using Fletcher's chest as a pillow, sat upright indignantly.

"It's not JUST highlights," she insisted. "Muse were playing last night. God, I wish I was there."

"Big deal," Fletcher said.

"Says the Lady Gaga fan!"

"Shh, look, it's Zane Lowe introducing them!"

Valkyrie yelped and turned back to the screen. Skulduggery and Ghastly looked at each other and shrugged, then took seats in different armchairs. Zane Lowe was indeed introducing the headline act of last night.

"So everyone here at the Pyramid Stage is waiting on Muse and the atmosphere here is ELECTRIC," Zane introduced, but was distracted by some crazy blonde woman in a rather tight Muse T-shirt and obviously pissed, jumped over the railing and running up to him, waving at the camera.

All jaws in Ghastly's living room dropped. It was Tanith.

"Hey-ya!" she yelped excitedly into Zane's microphone. She seemed to have a group of friends behind the railing cheering her on.

Zane didn't seem too put off. "Well hello!" he greeted, giving the blonde a grin. "And you are?"

"Name's Tanith," she replied happily. "Tanith Low."

"Seriously? Wow! We could be related."

"I hope not. Come here!"

And with that a very drunk Tanith Low grabbed Zane Lowe and planted a rather fierce kiss on him, jumping away and laughing afterwards.

"Wow, um, okay," was Zane's dazed reply while Tanith jumped up and down on the spot beside him. "So, um, I take it you're excited about tonight'sperformance?"

"Oh hell yeah," Tanith replied. "Muse are, like, one of the best band's ever, besides U2, whom I am very sad are NOT here tonight, but...yeah, I'm pretty fucking excited!"

The crowd behind her roared.

"And can I just say something to a friend of mine?" Zane held his microphone up to her and she spoke to the camera.

"Val, Fletcher, REALLY sorry you couldn't be here tonight but seriously, I AM STEALING OXYGEN TICKETS FOR YOU!" She threw am arm around Zane, and pointed.

"Zane Lowe!" she squealed, giving him another peck on the cheek before running off again.

Zane looked back at the camera, with a bewildered grin on his face. "Alright, so...that was the weirdest thing ever. But hey! Just goes to show how completely jazzed tonight's fans are! Tanith Low, everybody!"

And it wasn't over then. During Muse's performance of Supermassive Black Hole something was thrown up on stage. After the song, amid roars from the crowd, Matt Bellamy, Muse's lead singer, bent down and picked it up. It was a black Muse t-shirt, with a post-it on it that said TO MATT AND THE BOYS-LOVE TANITH.

Matt blinked and then said to the crowd, "Okay, whoever Tanith is, thank's a lot!"

The others stared at the TV screen, absolutely stunned. Ghastly glaring, Fletcher's eyes popping out of his head, Sklduggery frozen, and Valkyrie scowling, before saying, ever so slowly.

"Business, my, arse."

**A/N: I had to do it. I just HAD to. **


	8. Octopus

**A/N: This one, is dedicated to my mother...well, it's inspired by her. Enjoy the randomness!**

**Octopus**

Skulduggery, Valkyrie, Fletcher, Ghastly and Solomon (whom Valkyrie invited) were sat in Ghastly's front room, watching Germany and Uruguay in the World Cup. Fletcher was enjoying himself, but ironically, it was Tanith who was stuck in the ktichen getting the snacks for everyone.

"Come on Uruguay!" Fletcher practically roared. "Whoop those Nazi's asses!"

"Fletcher" Skulduggery warned.

"Germany are actually really good football players, Fletcher," Valkyrie informed him, raising an eyebrow.

Fletcher blew a raspberry at her.

"The Germans are good at alot of things," Solomon said dreamily, playing with his shirt collar while watching the screen.

"Please Solomon, now is not the time for one of your 'Back when I was a homosexual' stories," Ghastly said bitchily, rolling his eyes.

Solomon glared at him. "I was talking about women that time, actually."

Ghastly smirked. "That time?"

"Tanith!" Fletcher called into Ghastly's kitchen. "Have you got those nachos ready yet?"

"Almost, Fletcher!" Tanith yelled back, rather irritably.

"And Tanith?" Ghastly also called. "Would you mind fixing me up a crisp sandwich?"

"Bite me, Ghastly!" Tanith called. Fletcher snorted. Ghastly frowned.

"What I do?" he asked, confused.

"Ghastly, this whole on-off thing you've got going on with Tanith," Valkyrie began with a sigh. "It's really pissing us off."

"I agree," Skulduggery agreed.

"It's getting old, Gas-man," Fletcher concurred, giving Ghastly's arm a pat.

Ghastly threw up his arms in dismay. "I don't even know what I've done half the time. She just snaps on me."

"What about the other half of the time?" Solomon asked. Ghastly hesitated then shrugged.

"Well...apparently I have a tendency to be a bit pigheaded."

"Apparently?" Valkyrie scoffed.

"Tendency?" Fletcher echoed.

"A bit?" Skulduggery added.

"Shut up," Ghastly mumbled.

Tanith came in then, crisp sandwich in hand, a pout on her lips, eyes narrowed dangerously. Ghastly tried a smile.

"Thanks Tanith," he said meekly.

Tanith slammed the sandwich on the table, then straightened up indignantly.

"There," she said airily, then spat, "Bon appetit."

With that, she swept breezily from the room to fix up Fletcher's nachos. For a few moments there was nothing but the sound of the match. Solomon and Skulduggery played with their suits awkwardly, Solomon trying not to smile. Valkyrie bit a thumbnail and looked at Ghastly. Fletcher rubbed his upper lip, hiding a smirk.

"Um, Gaz," he said eventually, leaning toward him. Ghastly was looking at the crisp sandwich, considering whether or not it could be poisoned."Why do I get the feeling that, in Women's language, 'Bon appetit' means 'I hope you fucking choke'?"

Skulduggery considered that for a moment, then said. "Actually Fletcher, you may be right."

"What, that 'Bon appetit' means 'I hope you fucking choke?'" Valkyrie confirmed.

"Indeed," Skulduggery said with a nod.

"I resent that," Valkyrie said with a frown.

"As do I," Solomon said, rooting out his phone. "But let's experiment, shall we?"

The others watched as he switched his phone to loud speaker and scrolled through his phonebook.

"Who you calling?" F;etcher asked. Solomon winked but said nothing. Skulduggery realised.

"Oh," he said.

"What do you want Solomon?" China's voice asked, sounding bored. Solomon smiled.

"You, China," he replied suavely.

"Why does that not surprize me?"

"To do something for me," he continued, Fletcher lowering the TV's volume. "See, I'm a little strapped for cash but I'm at a party and have to pitch in for a large pizza. So I was wondering, my darling China...could you drop into Domino's for me and collect a pizza, and then drop it here?"

The request was preposterous, as China's silence on the other end of the phone indicated. Then she finally spoke.

"You want me, to drop into Dominos pizza for you, pick up a pizza, _for you_, pay for it, _for you_, drop it to wherever this party of yours is, _for you_, give it to you and then go back to work?"

Solomon paused for a moment, then said, "Could you?"

Silence.

"I'll pay you back for it, I promise," he added. " And you could join us if you like."

"I'd rather not," China said with a sigh. "Where is this party being held, exactly?"

"Ghastly Bespoke's place."

"Right..."

"Oh, and, China, that's a large pizza with all the toppings, okay? Thank you. I owe you one."

"Right," she said again through gritted teeth, and then added. "Bon appetit."

Then she hung up.

Solomon blinked at the phone for a moment, then looked up at Fletcher.

"Fletcher, my boy," he began, with a smirk. "You know women."

Fletcher grinned. "I know I do."

Tanith came in then with nachos in one hand and a glass of coke for Fletcher in the other.

"There you go," she said curtly, smacking them down on the coffee table in front of him. "Now I'll just go in to get all your drinks and those posh Bistro crisps Solomon requested."

"They're delicious," Solomon mumbled, tapping his phone to his lips for some reason.

Valkyrie bit her bottom lip as Tanith was turning back to the kitchen, then spoke up.

"Tanith!"

Tanith turned. "Yeah?"

"Do you, um, want a hand carrying stuff?" Valkyrie asked.

"Oh no Val, I can manage," Tanith insisted with a beaming smile. She then waved her two hands by her sides, flailing them and shaking them out, before randomly saying, again with that insane grin,

"Octopus!"

She glared at the men in the room, the smile dropped, and then strode from the room.

**A/N: Random? You should meet my mom:D**


	9. GAY

**G.A.Y.**

China scribbled some records into one of her ledgers while Solomon sat on her couch, waiting to take her out for to evening. He was humming 'The Four Seasons' by Vivaldi.

China allowed herself to gaze up from her ledgers. Solomon sat cross-legged on her couch in a coal-black suit, wearing a lavender shirt with a lilac paisley-patterned tie. He gazed at his self-manicured nails as he hummed, checking that they were still perfect, his black and silver cane propped against the couch beside him.

He flicked his jet black fringe out of his eyes in a distinctly camp fashion, and sighed, before looking up to find China staring at him. He frowned and cocked his head.

"What?" he asked, sounding slightly worried. China held his gaze for a moment, then laughed, looking away.

"I was just thinking, Solomon," she began, meeting his eyes again with her own pale blue ones. "You...are so gay, and yet you don't even like boys."

Solomon blinked his clear blue eyes at her, then smirked, re-crossing his legs in the opposite direction.

"Are you sure about that China?"

"I'm counting on it Solomon." China rose from her seat from behind her desk, and Solomon watched as she crossed the room toward him, remaining in his seat as she did so. China reached him, bent down, took his face in her hands and kissed him on the lips.

A moment passed, then China broke away slowly. Solomon looked at her, dazed, her hands still cupping his face. She smiled at him.

"Yes I'm sure Solomon," she said playfully, before climbing onto the couch with him and kissing him again.

**A/N: So what's everybody's reaction? Awww? Eewww? Anywho, Cholomon. What DO we think?**


	10. Out of it

**Out of it**

Finbar Wrong is in a seat on a double-decker bus at 4 o'clock in the morning after a particularly rowdy night on the town. There was no chance that he would remember this night ever again but even so, it had been a good one.

Completely out of it, Finbar stumbles on down the stairs, off the bus and finds himself on Ormond Quay. As the bus pulls off he checks his pockets. A single decker pulls up where the double decker had been and Finbar groans in dismay, proclaiming (or rather slurring),

"Aaaahh, jaaaayyyyyjusssss. I left me phooooooone on the fuuuuukkkkkkiinnnnn bussssssssss!"

He starts banging on the windows of the bus until the driver eventually lets him on. Finbar runs onto the bus, looking around in a stoned but frantic way, before whining,

"Aaaaahhhhh, for fuuuucckkk's ssaaaaaaaaakkkkkkeee! Where the fuuuucccckkk haave the ffuuuuukkkkin stairs ggooooonnnneee?"

**A/N: I love this country. Based on something I read on ''.**


	11. What Did He Say?

**What did he say?**

The remaining members of the Revenger's Club chilled out in the main living room of Serpine's castle. Dusk was reading the thoroughly disappointing ''Dracula the Undead and Spring-Heeled Jack was sticking some human finger nails artfully to his hat. They were plastic, but the others didn't have to know that.

Suddenly Sanguine staggered in, falling against the doorway. The others looked up at the sound. Sanguine's lip was bleeding and there was blood on his shirt collar, presumably from the scrape mark on his neck. He was keeping his weight off his right leg slightly. He groaned.

"What the fuck happened to ye, Sanguine?" Jack asked with a sigh, putting is hat on his potato shaped head.

"Bumped into Pleasant, Cain an' the whole gang," Sanguine groaned, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "I wasn't causin' trouble or nothin'. They just assumed...anyway, got into a fight with Tanith Low an'...well, this here is the result."

"Ah, bin there bruv," Jack said with a sympathetic nod. Dusk laid down his book and was silent for a moment, then smirked, before remarking coldly,

"Wow Sanguine. I know that you've been beaten up by all sorts in your time, but I never thought you'd get beaten up by a _bike_."

Sanguine, who had been looking at the floor while Dusk was speaking, grew alert at this. He was as still as a mannequin for a moment, before lifting his head dangerously slow and cocking it at Dusk.

"What you say?"

_Two minutes later_

Dusk gurgled helplessly from inside the toilet bowl Sanguine was holding him down. Jack was munching on some Chinese, perched on the edge of a bath. Sanguine pulled Dusk out of the bowl by the hair at the scruff of his neck. Dusk gasped.

"You know this won't kill me, right?" he hissed viciously at Sanguine, who laughed.

"Oh, I'm countin' on it, buddy, 'cause I could do this all night!" he replied, then dunked Dusk again and pulled the toilet chain, causing Dusk to flail franctically. Jack giggled.

"This is the best, Saturday night,EVER!" he cried delightedly.


End file.
